More Unaswerables

It has been just over a year. I still know nothing more than I did then. I didn’t get to say goodbye.

30 years ago we were the 3 Musketeers. Concerts, cruising around, camping, and lots of other shenanigans. I never thought of saying goodbye forever. It was always ‘see you later’ or some such. The last time the 3 of us were together was at my wedding. We hadn’t all been together for years and yet it seemed like just days. I wish I knew what happened. I wish it hadn’t happened. Toasting by way text on his birthday was a new level of wrongness. Fuck I hate getting old. Love you man. Wish you were here.


I have been sitting on this post for a few days now. In part because I don’t want to hurt anyone but also because of the anger in it. I have decided that posting it is the right thing to do if it can help even one person. So, here it is:

I am angry. Very angry. I am not angry at an individual. I am angry at our society. I am angry at the lack of understanding and acceptance. I am angry about the way that our society stigmatizes depression. In our society depression and other mental problems are seen as a weakness. I am angry. Fuck you and your “be a man” type bullshit. The only weakness that I see here is the weakness between your fucking ears to think that this is something that someone can just choose to “buck up” and “get over it”. Fuck your platitudes and judgments. Fuck you and your condescending tone and words. Just plain “FUCK YOU”

Wow. I’m angrier than I realized.

I am so heartbroken that another person could be hurting so bad. I have been in that deep, dark hole. It is terrible. There is no light to reach for. There was no one who could understand how I was feeling…not that I was really able to describe it anyway. I don’t want for anyone to ever feel that way. I especially don’t want people I know and care about to ever feel like that. I am tired of seeing their pain and them suffering in silence. I don’t know what else to say. I care. I sometimes maybe care too much and take it all too much to heart. I can’t help but ask myself, “What if” questions all the time. I care about you and am very sorry if you feel alone and depressed. Talk to me. Cry with me. Primal Scream with/at me. I promise you that you are not alone; you are not weak; all hope is not lost and most importantly, you are loved.

B etter
F riends &
F amily

Be one and reach out to each other. Let everyone you care about know how much they are loved and that they have you to talk to.

I promise to do my best to be there for all of you. Send me a text or email. Call me. Come to the house any time day or night. I will NEVER turn you away.

Travels by Night

The fire had burned brightly and I’d basked in its glow
Now huddled closer as its embers burned low
The light and heat fading, I gathered myself and prepared to go

As I put its faint light to my back
I walked away knowing I could not turn back
Step after step further travels along my track

Crossing the field I looked back on my life
Each time I turned the fire seemed ever more bright
But still I stumbled on into the dark silence of night

Crossing the creek I turned one last time
My tracks on the field a trampled faint line
The light of the fire still more brightly did shine

Unknown ahead of me I went on with a sigh
Thinking of brighter days now gone by

Whole – y Smoked Chicken

Whole Smoked Chicken

Used salt, garlic salt, black pepper, oregano, thyme, chili powder and paprika for the rub and then smoked it using a combination of apple and mesquite woods.

Took about 3 1/2 hours at 325F-ish for IT to reach 170F. Wrapped in foil and let rest. Carved into pure chicken perfection. Next time I am going to take the temp up to 190F though; a little under done in some places for our taste.

Whole Smoked Chicken
Whole Smoked Chicken


Whole Smoked Chicken
Whole Smoked Chicken- Another angle


mmm smokey
mmm smokey
plate of goodness
plate of goodness

Smoked Chicken Leg Quarters

Smoked Chicken Leg Quarters

Did chicken leg quarters on the smoker tonight. Used an apple wood rub and then smoked them at about 350F for an hour. The temp probe showed 196F when I took them out of the smoker. I finished them by doing a quick sear on both sides just to crisp things up.

Smoked Chicken Leg Quarters
Apple wood Smoked Chicken Leg Quarters

I really impressed with how much smoke flavor made it into the meat in only a bit over an hour!

Chicken and mashed
Chicken and mashed

A bit hard to tell from this pic but there was a great smokey pinkness going on here. Really a great result for an experiment in smoking chicken.

Smoke ring on chicken
Smoke ring on chicken

Smoked Pulled Pork

Been smoking some meats lately and I thought I would post pics and stuff here.

Pork Butt:

I used Alton Brown’s recipe as a guide. This meant soaking it a brine for about 10 hours.

pork butt in brine
pork butt in brine


I used a store bought rub.  I coated it in mustard first and then applied a generous amount of rub to the entire butt. While it was coming up to ambient temp I got the smoker heated and a good head of smoke going.


ready for the smoker
ready for the smoker

I ended up fighting with the temp all night and eventually ran out of charcoal. I also used about 7 pounds of apple wood chunks. At this point the butt was not done and I threw it in the oven to bake at 225 while I went and took a nap.

Nice bark!
Nice bark!

And then all that was left was the pulling and the eating! So delicious.


after it was pulled
after it was pulled

Sky Dive Mind Dive

(not sure of the original date on this one)

Sky Dive Mind Dive

Witness the insanity and terror.

Far away from anything I have ever known

I see trepidation, fear, awe, raw power coursing through virgin territories of the mind. Must confess, admit, a jealous streak at my not sharing in those feelings and all the ones I cannot even begin to imagine.

I MUST do this! Not just “someday” but soon. To stare fear, reservation and death straight in its unblinking eye and scream. I can only imagine how truly alive it must make you feel to come up against all that and go ahead anyway.

I wonder if ego-loss enters into the experience at all? Or is it the opposite? do you come away with a larger than life ego because you stared death in the face and leapt, to your possible demise, anyway?

Questions. No answers until experience comes first hand.

Wind. Ground rushing up at you with ever increasing speed. Adrenal gland on overload pumping the body full of endorphins and mescaline-like effects.

Sheer, unadulterated, intense experience.

What would this sensory instense experience be like with a hallucinogen added to the equation? Could the human mind handle it? Tandem jump would likely be the recommended method. That is, assuming you could find anyone to recommend tripping during free fall. With the already prevalent feelings of flight/flying while tripping I can only imagine that free falling would bring them to life in a whole new way. To see the blue while at the same time falling through the blue. Clouds below with no metal skin of an aircraft offering the illusion of security and safety.

4:20!!! Don’t I wish! Still well within the grasp of getting high this morning. Love looking at the world through the eyes of child-like innocence and wonder. So refreshing to see everything as new and fresh and full of life and hope. Spend far too much time looking at this world through shit colored glasses. Getting out of that mindset is a great and wonderful thing. Although I must admit that it is getting harder and harder to get out of that mindset without the help of drugs. This can’t be a good thing.

If I can’t control my mind without the effects of self-prescribed drugs then what is the point? Mind expansion is only beneficial if you can curb, limit, or stop the contraction of the mind afterwards. There can essentially be no afterwards. Every moment has to be lived, explored, relished as an infinite thing rapidly rushing past to join with the next. Only in this way can you put off the encroaching and impending contraction of the expanded and altered state of mind.


Reality is perception. Perceive your own reality and mold it and shape it in any way that you can, and see fit. Realize that this reality will, wuite likely, warp, twist, change, alter and morph into other realities. This should not be attempted to be controlled. Neither should it be allowed to be all consuming. A small amount of mental exercise exerted at the right time will greatly affect the amount of control you have or need at any given time.

Reality and perception go in hand and are interchangeable terms for the experience. As soon as you can come to terms with this inescapable fact, mind expansion, reality tunnels, and your own reality can be altered as much or as little as is wanted or needed.

Think of reality, your own perception of it, as a strand of thread. Sure, it can be pulled taut and made into a straight, unwavering line, but think of it in all it’s other possible states. It can be twisted, looped, wrapped around on itself. Now picture that strand in an infinite number of strands that collectively make up on large, indeed immense rope. At every point that your strand comes in contact with any other strand, that is an interaction with that strand. You can choose to soak up the energy from the interaction as a learning experience gained from the other strand’s perspective or you can choose to change the shape of your strand and move away. Either way, you should have managed to cull some sort of knowledge or insight that you previously lacked. If not, you are not trying hard enough or you are one of the millions of strands that refuse to see the experiences and intuitions of other strands that do not share in your perspective.

This is fine for most of the masses of strands; but for you, the mind explorer and expansion traveller, it can be severely limiting and even counter productive to you ultimate quest for knowledge.

Back to the strands…

Looking again at this infinite cluster of strands, you can, or should, see all the possible interactions and opportunities for learning and experiencing alternate points of view. Choose wisely and soak up the experiences that all these interactions offer.

Somehow these pages have begun turning into a manifesto of sorts or perhaps a literation of my beliefs and philosophy. Depends on whether the Unabomber affected your attenuation to the word “manifesto”.