Well the website is back online. The problem I am having now is that I cannot locate all my old posts. I have been using the Wayback Machine to grab some but I know there are more that are still out there. Anyone have any ideas on how to retrieve all of them?
Whoever said (or continues to say) “What’s so hard about writing? Just write, no big deal,” has, I almost guarantee, never actually done any writing.
There are two things I have always wanted to write, One if them I am working, ever so slowly on, now. The other is something that I will probably never figure out how to accomplish. That is infuriating to me.
I also don’t get the directive that states “A writer writes everyday.” Some days my mind just can’t clear out its own constipation to allow words to flow to paper or screen.
Just feeling frustrated I guess that things with the current story are not going as smoothly as I hoped or am used to having them go.
The blank page taunts and terrifies; there is nothing worse.
He looked at it for hours before even once putting his fingers to the keyboard. There must be some thought or idea in there that needs to come out into the light of day. But it doesn’t happen. Not for an eternity in his mind.
Once the words began to flow it was a veritable flood and his fingers could not fly over the keys fast enough to keep up with his mind. Cigarettes were smoked; coffee and whiskey consumed. The all-consuming drive to write however could not be slaked.
After two weeks of nearly endless banging on the keyboard he finally admitted that, for now, this work was finished. The pages were printed, the drafts saved, and his mind was at peace with it all.
After collecting all the remaining pages from the printer he walked down the hall and into the bedroom at the opposite end of the house. She was waiting for him. She was always there waiting for him when he finished.
“Another one done!” he exclaimed proudly as he entered the room.
Silence greeted him.
Always with the silent treatment, he thought somewhat bitterly.
Death. Just the word makes most people’s skin crawl.
It seems so…final. So much more so as an atheist. Religious people have an afterlife to look forward to after their death. An atheist knows, or is at least fairly certain, that there is no pearly gates, St. Peter or 72 virgins waiting for them on the other side of life.
Death has been on my mind a lot lately and not because I am wanting to die; set your mind at ease with that. My uncle, Galen, died a week ago and it has hit me fairly hard. I didn’t see it coming until we went to visit him in the hospice. That is when it hit me. Hard. I knew that it was coming eventually; he did have spinal cancer and was the spry young age of 87 after all. I just wasn’t expecting it this fast. I had so little time to converse with him; learn from him; get to know him. It doesn’t seem fair somehow. And yes this is entirely selfish but I think that he enjoyed our conversations as much as I did. He had a brilliant mind to go along with his artistic and creative abilities that is unrivaled in my eyes.
The only artwork that we have in the house is from his hand. They are among my most cherished items.
About 3 years ago I was hospitalized for 9 days and Galen and Priscilla came to visit me. I was surprised to find out that they were coming; I had not had much interaction with either of them for most of my life. It was around Easter and although I abhor religious holidays I do enjoy chocolate. They brought me a giant chocolate bunny and we sat and talked for a while. I had only vague memories of Galen being very religious and was fairly certain that I was going to hear some preaching. I didn’t. We just talked. There was no religious talk whatsoever. It really was a pleasant surprise and great visit. I found out later that my memories of his religious beliefs were just that, memories. He was no longer involved with the church and after many conversations and input from others I discovered that we had more in common than ever. We both hated organized religions and doubted the existence of a god in any form.
I am much more militant about my atheist beliefs than he was but there were a lot of points that we could agree on and in the past 3 years we have had some great talks. He even handed a folded paper to me at a family get together that was a couples of pages of his musings and beliefs on religion. I still have it. It meant so much to me that he would take the time to write out his thoughts and give them to me. I read it right then and there and tried to return it to him but he would have none of it. It was mine to keep he said. We talked briefly about what he had written but as is the case of so many family get togethers there was too much going on and too many people wanting to talk to one or the other of us. I had wanted to follow up with him and talk some more but it never happened. Just a short time later he was hospitalized and I only saw him one more time. He was not conscious and so we never got to finish our conversation.
There was a nice memorial service at their house in New Durham the Sunday following his death and I had the opportunity to share some of my thoughts and memories with the assembled family. It was rough but it was nice to see so many people who loved him and had been touched by him. Although I had far too short a time to get to know him, I love him. I miss him. Although I did not see him on a regular basis I miss the knowledge that this wonderful man is in the world and I could look forward to getting to talk to him again.
Holly told me that if anyone I knew was going to come back and tell me “Aww man Hippy, were we ever wrong! There is an afterlife!”, it would be Galen. I have not received any such message or visitation. While not proof that there is no afterlife, I know that if there were any way for him to get a message to me about it, he would.
My biggest comfort is in the quantum theory that there are an infinite number of parallel universes that contain every possibility. I know that in at least one of them, Galen and I are still able to have conversations and who knows, maybe we found each other sooner and had longer to enjoy those conversations.
I seem to recall a time when creativity burst forth from my mind at the speed of thought. I don’t care what that arrogant genius Einstein has to say about it, thoughts are far faster than the speed of light. What happened to my creativity? As I have aged has the basic structure of my brain changed such that creativity is less important than survival and my neurons have rewired themselves into survival mode? Disturbing thought. Usurped by my own mind. Bastard. But seriously…or as serious as I can get…has anyone else noticed this? I read plenty. I watch movies and documentaries. I love increasing the knowledge with reading news articles, tech blogs and the like. I am enrolled full-time in college. What else could it be but age? I seriously would like to hear your input.
Damnit I am sooo sick of the stupidity of my fellow Americans. We had 8 years of High Crimes and Misdemeanors, War Crimes, A Financial Meltdown, Outed Spies, The Twin Towers,,,etc etc etc. And once things look like they might, possibly, have a chance of turning around with a new President and control of both of the Houses, what do the American people do? Why put the crooks, thieves, liars and criminals back into power of course!! Stupidity. Just saw an interview with Boehner and he is still spewing the lie that we have the best health care system in the world and “Obamacare” is going to ruin that. Unbelievable. Does no one in the GOP no how to use google? Do they think that no one else knows how? Here: http://www.photius.com/rankings/world_health_systems.html and http://www.photius.com/rankings/healthranks.html andhttp://www.who.int/healthinfo/paper30.pdf Now I know that some of you will point out that the new report from the World Health Organization is due out next month and that these figures are from 10 years but I would argue that it has not gotten SO much better to raise us much above the rank of 37. 37!!! How in the FUCKING BLOODY HELL is that even remotely “the best health care system in the world”??? And Boehner’s whole issue is to repeal “Obamacare”, the one thing that could help. Smart Johnny Boy Tanned Jerk. Morons surround me. Oh and taxes, let’s not forget that little thing that the Teabaggers rant and rave about. More morons. We just had the biggest cut in taxes and they complain that Obama and Pelosi are out to tax us into bankruptcy. I will have to leave that for another post. I am taking a shower now to wash the stink of the multitudinous morons off me and then going to bed to dream of a future without you all in it.
It is a like any other day. Strike that. It is a day EXACTLY like EVERY other day. I tell myself that today, this glorious day, will be different…but it never is. Today is the day that I must write, I tell myself…but I never do it. And so, here I am staring into the digitally pixelized interweb online version of my sad little life wondering what to write. There are thoughts, a great many of them in fact. There are mentally fleshed out stories that I could work on…but I won’t. You see I tell myself daily that this day I will set pen to paper or fingers to keyboard and I will write…but I won’t. There are far too many things to distractingly digital to put aside for even the most pathetic of writing…sucj as what you are reading now, I know. It doesn’t comfort me that I am writing it any more than it comforts you to be reading it. I apologize. You see there are always just a few more thousand points to score on Bejeweled Blitz. I know that if I only play that one last game I will get an truly righteous high score…but I don’t. Its not as if I am sitting here for hours playing a silly game! I am playing a game that lasts 60 seconds, and it is always just one more game, one more minute…until all the minutes in the day are used up in color matching. Digitized online life in a time suck. And a mind suck come to think of it. Instead of being away from the computer actually talking to people I spend hours reading little blurbs on Facebook or Twitter by random people, many of which I don’t actually know…wasting my time and my life 140 characters at a time(for twitter anyway. not sure what the post length limit is for facebook. note to self: waste time on facebook to find out the max length of a post.)
I have a part of my mind that is reserved just for these colossal wastes of time and I call him Jones. Yes, Jones. Why? Well, because if I don’t sit in front of a computer for as much time as humanly possible he comes to the forefront of my mind and insists that there is some vital piece of email or posting that I am missing. He sends the rest of my mind into withdrawal mode…thus his Name Is Jones. Even as I read a really fantastic book by his holiness Arthur C. Clarke this sad little mental man, Jones, will not go to sleep and leave me in peace for a spell. Perish the thought. But today, unlike every other day, I am beating him back into his corner with a rather large and painful looking stick. Okay so it is really just a mental tongue lashing. But still…
Scraps of poetry float through my head. Lyrics by Megadeth and Train accompany them. Haiku eludes me. Hyperbole, metaphor and simile do as well. “If I know I’m going crazy, I must not be insane.” a scrap of Megadeth. Sigh.
So I managed to break out of the loop of facebook/twitter/bejeweled etc. Now what? Tomorrow, or later, I may be able to actually write something of consequence.
Far beyond the stark beauty of the trees that have shed their summer leaves and settled in for the long New England sleep there is a beauty. From the deepest of indigo, into the powdery blue, and beyond that into shades of peach and crimson, there lies a promise on this cloudless morning of warmth and sunshine. There can be no more beautiful time of day than when the sun is rising or setting. The range of colous goes beyond a mere rainbow, and yet that is all it is: a rainbow on steroids.
I wish in the deepest recesses of my heart that I had a command of the language like Leonard Cohen or Hunter S. Thompson. Alas, this little paragraph will have to suffice.
originally written on April 15, 2003
After reading Cosmic Trigger III by R. A. Wilson I feel it necessary to rethink a lot of the idioms and expressions that I use so frequently. I also feel compelled to do away with my use of the verbs IS and ARE. The use of these verbs and their alluding to the sense of ‘allness’ appears to be demonstrated veryefficiently by Wilson. This is going to require quite a bit of reprogramming of use of the English language, as evidenced by my continual use of those verbs in writing this. E-Prime shall be my new language and I will attempt to do away with the dogmatic use of the American-English language.
I read an article in the latest issue of CPU magazine (April 2003) about scientists who have discovered a way of “printing” human, and presumably non-human organs by making use of an ink jet printer. Since I lack the scientific knowledge to explain this process in detail I will paraphrase the article and if so inclined you can go out and find the article and read it through for yourself.
Vladimir Mironov of the Medical University of South Carolina and Thomas Boland of Clemson University have devised a method using an ink jet printer to build up layers of cells to acheive the sythesis of a human organ. The layers are separated by a thin film of biodegradable gel which, when washed out after completion of printing, allows the cells to touch and form a bond. The main problem that they are having now is supplying the “printed” tissue with blood and circulatory nourishment. Although construction of tubes in the “printed” organ is possible, it will be 10 to 15 years before a fully functioning “printed” circulatory network will be acheived.
This discovered process of “printing” organs to meet the specifications of any given patient could open a whole new world to us as a race and bring us one step closer to immortality. Think of it. As each organ begins to break down in our bodies we could have new ones “printed” up and undergo a transplant to remove the defective part. This gives us the possibilty of extending human life expectancy indefinitely. Talk about an incredible inovation. Think of the possible applications for this kind of scientific breakthrough. A whole host of maladies and diseases could potentially fall by the wayside as a result of this.
Along another line….
The start of a TV show on Animal Planet caught my eye the other day. There, in the middle of the screen was a pentagon of light. Not exactly mindblowing but it made me stop and pay attention. The first animal I saw after that was a hawk. Synchronicity. I had been reading baout Uri Geller and the hawk maifestation earlier that day. Coincidence? Synchronicity? Or just my mind drawing parallels? YES! as in All of the Above.
originally written on February 20, 2003
Hope springs eternal
despite the infernal
worse the internal
delusions of man
Crushed under heal
spirit can heal
worse never feel
the contusions of man
Looking for signs
behind the designs
Closed eye never finds
the illusions of man
Back into the ground
no tears found
worse no sound
the conclusion of man