More Unaswerables

It has been just over a year. I still know nothing more than I did then. I didn’t get to say goodbye.

30 years ago we were the 3 Musketeers. Concerts, cruising around, camping, and lots of other shenanigans. I never thought of saying goodbye forever. It was always ‘see you later’ or some such. The last time the 3 of us were together was at my wedding. We hadn’t all been together for years and yet it seemed like just days. I wish I knew what happened. I wish it hadn’t happened. Toasting by way text on his birthday was a new level of wrongness. Fuck I hate getting old. Love you man. Wish you were here.


I have been sitting on this post for a few days now. In part because I don’t want to hurt anyone but also because of the anger in it. I have decided that posting it is the right thing to do if it can help even one person. So, here it is:

I am angry. Very angry. I am not angry at an individual. I am angry at our society. I am angry at the lack of understanding and acceptance. I am angry about the way that our society stigmatizes depression. In our society depression and other mental problems are seen as a weakness. I am angry. Fuck you and your “be a man” type bullshit. The only weakness that I see here is the weakness between your fucking ears to think that this is something that someone can just choose to “buck up” and “get over it”. Fuck your platitudes and judgments. Fuck you and your condescending tone and words. Just plain “FUCK YOU”

Wow. I’m angrier than I realized.

I am so heartbroken that another person could be hurting so bad. I have been in that deep, dark hole. It is terrible. There is no light to reach for. There was no one who could understand how I was feeling…not that I was really able to describe it anyway. I don’t want for anyone to ever feel that way. I especially don’t want people I know and care about to ever feel like that. I am tired of seeing their pain and them suffering in silence. I don’t know what else to say. I care. I sometimes maybe care too much and take it all too much to heart. I can’t help but ask myself, “What if” questions all the time. I care about you and am very sorry if you feel alone and depressed. Talk to me. Cry with me. Primal Scream with/at me. I promise you that you are not alone; you are not weak; all hope is not lost and most importantly, you are loved.

B etter
F riends &
F amily

Be one and reach out to each other. Let everyone you care about know how much they are loved and that they have you to talk to.

I promise to do my best to be there for all of you. Send me a text or email. Call me. Come to the house any time day or night. I will NEVER turn you away.